In today’s episode of “Wait, what did I just read?”—German authorities are once again apologizing to actual humans after launching multiple full-blown homicide investigations… into discarded, next-generation sex dolls.

The Setup:

It started like every good true crime podcast:
A dog walker. A forest. A suspicious plastic bag. A burnt hand sticking out.

So naturally, police in Rostock, Germany, called in homicide detectives, forensic teams, floodlights, drones, and even an undertaker. The whole nine yards.

Five hours and one awkward silence later, they realized the “charred corpse” was actually a hyper-realistic silicone sex doll. Or, as they’re politely calling them now, “real dolls.” You know—because they’re very not inflatable… and unfortunately very corpse-adjacent when left in a ditch.

This Keeps Happening, and We Can’t Look Away

This wasn’t a one-time thing. In just the past few weeks, German police have responded to:

• A life-sized doll left on a park bench

• A silicone backside mistaken for human remains in a field

• A floating “body” in a canal (spoiler: another doll)

• A boxed-up doll with feet sticking out, retrieved from a river by 30 emergency responders in full gear

Yes. Thirty.

One fire official noted that it’s “no joke,” since these calls put real first responders at risk. And he’s right. But also… someone is out here trying to wedge a 125-pound silicone torso into a recycling bin like that’s normal behavior.

So, What Have We Learned?

1. Real dolls are too real.

2. People are apparently very bad at breakups with inanimate objects.

3. If you see feet sticking out of a bush in Germany… maybe give it a minute before calling CSI.

At H’ville Radio, we’re not saying we’ve ever been fooled by a mannequin in the Walmart clearance aisle, but we are saying we now understand how it happens.

And to the German police: hang in there.

It’s a weird world.

We’re just artificially trying to make sense of it.